I Know Things Now
This time last year my biggest concern was turning thirty in the new year. I was having so much trouble reconciling my life’s journey with the looming anniversary. Had I done enough? Was I aging gracefully? Was my credit score good enough? My accomplishments bold enough? I foolishly obsessed over what I thought thirty should look and feel like. Boy was I in for a surprise.
The new year came and everything began to fall apart. My annual spring trip was canceled, my sister was diagnosed with Lupus, I lost a good friend, I walked away from a theater company that I co conceived and co founded, I was diagnosed with a rare form of shingles which damaged my skin and caused significant nerve damage, I fell out with my best friend over my ego and self indulgent views on his wedding, I lost a former student, then another friend, then another. All black men, all within the year. And that’s just what I feel comfortable sharing publicly.
There were days and nights where I had to place a proverbial mask of strength over my broken heart and spirit. There were days where I didn’t want to pick up the phone, or drive up to the door because it was just all too much to process. Disappointment has a way of soaking into your spirit and making you drunk with a discreet kind of depression.
The truth of the matter is I don’t know why things had to be so hard for me this year. Sometimes, I feel like some people just glide through life while others have to face the fires of life — head on. Sometimes I feel like life is some divine wash and spin cycle created to whirl us round til were all tangled up. Life can really be a bitch sometimes and this year was exactly that for me.
A week ago, I made up in my mind that I needed to get away, check out for a few days and “unpack”. I’ve observed the destruction that can manifest when disappointments, negativity, trauma and misfortune lodge themselves into our heart and mind. Too many people walk around with the baggage of the past because they refuse to stop, reflect and unpack. I wasn’t going to enter the new year with all this “stuff”.
I packed up my JEEP Compass and hit I 95 headed toward my college roommates DMV apartment. After two days of sleeping, unplugging and catching up, I pulled out my old faithful notebook. I always travel with a notebook to jot down inspirations, songs, poems, journal entries, etc. I grabbed a pen and began to number the lines from one to thirty.
As I began to reflect, I realized that even though the year had so many challenges, even though the year was hard I still had accomplished so much. I was able to barrel through every challenge, every period of chaos and mourning with tenacity, elegance and confidence. I immediately shifted my focus to all the good this year produced. I shifted my focus to all the growth this year produced. I shifted from victim to victor, from self to service, from circumstance to celebration.
In just minutes I had a list of major accomplishments to be grateful for. After an hour or so, I closed my journal and just sat there. Isn’t it funny how some journeys only make sense in hindsight?
I realized I was fine after all. I wasn’t falling apart. I was still in tack, still laughing, still hoping, still dreaming, still singing and writing, still surprising friends on FaceTime. Sometimes what we need is not more money, or more church, or casual sex, or a better job. Sometimes what we need is silence with self and time to process.
As I packed up my JEEP to leave the DMV and as I look forward to new adventures I am reminded that life is really beautiful, forgiveness is essential, living is a conscious choice, things do change, “No” is a complete sentence, faith is a solid foundation, gratitude is a superpower and most importantly that God’s grace and mercy is sufficient. I am unpacked. I am ready. I am loved. I am light. I am lit. And I know things now.
2018, bow down.
